34 Week Reflection

So every so often I write, reflections, I guess you could call them. Their many times personal, and very emotionally filled. They also capture myself at my rawest and purest form as I don't typically intend for anyone to ever actually read them so I don't hold back much.

So today by chance I stumbled over something I wrote for my boys during a phase in my twin pregnancy where I had been writing a few more of these reflections. The difference with this one was that it was also written to be read, by them when they were older.

My pregnancy was filled with A LOT of emotions. Happiness, terror, excitement, nerves, worries, fears, anticipation, and so it goes with a multiple pregnancy. Today as I read through my letter to them, my words written through a stage of mental chaos, physical exhaustion, and weariness hit me. By the end of reading I was shedding tears and felt the urge to share them. I felt like I was almost reading someone else's writing, and yet felt so comfortable knowing it all so familiarly.

So without further ado, here is the letter to my boys.

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To the boys,

This journey of pregnancy, carrying the two of you, has been a roller coaster. I’m currently 33 weeks (34 weeks in 2 days), and there has been no shortage of emotions, fears, excitement, and a general sense of the unknown.

When we first thought about trying again there was a feeling of hesitation. We had had a miscarriage September 30^th, 2013 at 12 weeks, that although we felt great peace about knowing God was in control, was hard to endure and know we had lost a precious and beautiful little life. Your siblings name was Emery.

Daddy was okay with stopping at Chloe after the loss, and although I had fears of having to go through another potential loss, and the challenges that come sometimes by adding to your family I also knew in my heart that I would regret not trying again to have a 3^rd child.

God had an amazing plan in place.

When we first learned we had got pregnant I actually got very scared, even enough to think that maybe it was a mistake. That I had jumped the gun, and taken on more than I could handle. God really worked on me in the first couple of months. It was tough, frightening, and made me feel guilty as a mother. I never would want to tell you that I could possibly feel those things, but I am a mother, a human, and sometimes we take on emotions that we can’t control. But we can know God is at the centre of it all.

I felt pregnant much sooner than with any other pregnancy and even though after 9 tests were taken and maybe ½ had come back with a faint positive, I knew I was pregnant. It was running through my system. I even told the doctor that the test was wrong and that I was in fact pregnant. Now I know that was the two of you being crafted into our lovely and wonderful sons.

Daddy and I had joked a little that there could be two of you inside, and maybe all that joking was a way of God preparing us for the big news. My clothes stopped fitting me really fast. I gained about 20lbs in the first month alone. My body was getting so tired; I could barely keep up with my very messy, chaotic, ‘supermom’ status (haha…whatever that is). I could barely wrap my brain around it, but I felt different. I said it was either twins or I was much further along than I thought. Maybe about half way there, but that didn’t quite line up either. I was hoping everything was okay.

I went for my first ultrasound at 12 weeks 4days. The last visit with my midwife, I had thought of asking if there was a chance I was carrying twins but completely forgot. Daddy came with me to the ultrasound. We dropped Kylun & Chloe off at the Simpsons, and then headed off to our appointment. We actually joked on the way there and in the waiting room about there being two of you.

The appointment started as normal, in that I checked in, waited, they took me in, they did the ultrasound, and there was a little light chatting in the room between myself and the ultrasound technician. She asked about the pregnancy, if I had any other kids, their ages, and one of the last things she said before leaving the room to get daddy and write her report was well, you’ll be busy. I remember thinking into that comment a lot and wondering, then trying to think about how many people consider 3 kids a lot to handle, and very busy. I was trying to keep my head stable. Haha…

Daddy came in and asked if she had mentioned anything. I told him what she said, then made the comment of maybe it is twins. We joked about having to buy a minivan – which we had both been stubborn about for years; we would never buy a minivan, although we knew that if there was more than one baby in me we’d have to give up our pride and do it. We exchanged a few laughs, and waited.

The technician came back in. Daddy asked if everything looked okay and she said yes.

Then he jokingly asked ‘it’s not twins or anything is it?’.

The technician smiled and said ‘well, actually, yes’.

There were two of you in there. 

TWO!

I was in shock. I started laughing and crying. A part of me was instantly scared, and another part of me thought it was funny – maybe even a joke and I could not wrap my brain around it. Daddy handled it well. He laughed, and looked at me, then continued to laugh and stare at the screen then back at me as the technician showed us the amazing miracle that was happening inside. Somewhere there he muttered ‘I guess we will have to buy a van’. I’ll be honest I can remember only faint images of it all as the tears coming out where so big I could’ve drowned.

I distinctly remember leaving the appointment starring at the pictures they gave us, laughing, and in complete disbelief. We sat in the car for a few moments. Then realized we were not strong enough to hold this sort of information inside and knew we’d have to tell people right away. I must’ve looked like a crazy person and my face would’ve shown every emotion, shock, and feeling. I took a picture on my phone of the ultrasound and sent it to those with phones who could receive it. Some of your aunts and uncles got it, others had no idea what they were looking at and just thought it was a picture of the ultrasound. By the time we got to the Simpsons we had called everyone except the Simpsons. And now it was time to show them the pictures and tell Kylun & Chloe.

We started showing the picture of Baby A, then the picture of Baby B, and then the one of both of you inside me. Chloe didn’t get it, Kylun seemed to try and compute it, and the Simpsons got so excited and got to be first witness to the amazing news in person.

Our journey was about to begin as parents of multiples. God was about to have some major opportunities to teach us, and our family was going from 4-6. It was almost as if God knew our pain from Emery’s loss and doubled our blessings, although I will never forget that little life.

The months since have honestly been such a rollercoaster of emotions, fears, planning, shock – a lot of shock, prep, and research as we try and figure out what this means for us in terms of change and adjustment. We have no idea what we are doing. We are figuring it out, and I’m sure we will continue to figure it out as you both grow. Heck, we’re still figuring it out with Kylun & Chloe.

The world of multiples seems foreign to us, and we pray that we will know how to parent you both, care for you, and love you as individuals. We want what’s best for you. We want you to know that we love you. We also recognize that we are completely at a loss with some things how to do things, what to do, and will mess up many times, but we will do our best to pick ourselves up, apologize, try again, and keep working towards being the best parents we can be to you.

I’m still scared some days for how life is going to change, sometimes I’m still in shock, and I wake up some days thinking that this was a dream, and that we must’ve lied to so many people and I have to remind myself that it’s true and you both are living, kicking, and growing to be our amazing sons.

I’m excited to just be bombarded by your little personalities, even though I’ve been told it will be hard and taxing on us – especially at the beginning. I’m excited to see the dynamic you guys bring to our family. The trouble, secrets, special moments and how you relate with Kylun & Chloe. Both of which love you both so much already.

They give you hugs through my belly, tell you they love you, rub my belly, and have seen more of your movements than daddy I think. Kylun in recent weeks has got more and more excited and at one point helped put your clothes away as we got things moved into your bedroom. Every item he said ‘Oh mommy this is so cute. The babies are going to love their clothes.’ He is such an amazing big brother. Chloe also has become quite fond of your cradles and although there’s a little fear there of over rocking, she talks about how it’s for the babies. She even tried to give you a drink through my belly with a bottle a couple of times. You have two amazing siblings, who love, care, and cherish you even though they don’t know who you are yet.

Some crazy kind of love let me tell you.

Kylun loves seeing the pictures after the ultrasounds and hearing how you were poking each other, kicking, snuggling, or putting your bums in each other’s faces. He thinks it’s hilarious.

Keep close to them, share with them your lives, and let them share theirs and teach you what they’ve learned or know. You all are so fortunate to have a set of siblings, and we are so blessed to be expanding our family to include you all.

I love you all so much, and look forward to what our lives hold as you come into our family and complete it. 

To both of you, we will do everything we can to be here for you, and love you.

Mommy!

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Thanks for reading!